Cha, cha,changes

Some interesting changes are taking place in my life right. I am returning to HBCS as a PE teacher. I feel way more prepared for this year thanks to summer school at LC. This year is going to be totally different from the last time I taught there. For starters, I will be mostly just teaching girls. It will be a challenge but it had great possibilities. Also, I will be more involved in the athletic program since my good friend is the athletic director. I may even be as assistant coach for one or more sports, which is a very scary thought for everyone involved. The last major difference in this year is that I am not in student ministry anymore. While it's heartbreaking, I know I will be able to give more of myself to my job and the students at Highland.

Another change in my life is that I moved. I now live in a townhouse across from the River Ranch area. While I loved living with my friend in Carencro, I am going to enjoy living close to everything in Lafayette and it will be closer to work. Also, my new roommate is the daughter of very close friends. She is not a committed Christian so I will be a witness and light to her. I pray that Christ gives me the strength to live a transparent and faithful life in front of her. I know I will mess up but I hope God is able to demonstrate His grace to me and to her through my life. It will be different but good.

The last major change is internal. I have learned and grown so much over this past year. I never losing the thing I loved most would have such a huge impact on my life. I find myself with completely different priorities and outlooks on life. I feel as if I know myself more than I ever have. I have realized who I am and what makes me who I am. I am more secure as God's child and His beloved. Last year began a downward spiral that stripped me of everything I thought was important. As I began the climb back up I found that I no longer needed to prove what I was all along: 1 Peter 2:9

The Purpose of Relationships.

During a discussion with my roommate, we talked about the purpose of relationships. I used to think that I was absurd for having a unique purpose for evey relationship; but now after talking about it I have come to the conclusion that I like the purposes of my relationships and that it is a good thing. The purpose helps me set apprpriate limits and boundaries on the relationships. I like boundaries. I find great freedom in the boundaries I set because I know how crossing certain lines can bring pain and confusion. (side note: I also like walls. I build many walls. I am very grateful for the people in my life who chose to break down those walls and truly get to know me. And of course there were people who took one look at the walls and decided it was not worth the work. Not that I blame them, I can be a difficult person.)
The purpose also gives me a guide on how to act within the relationship. For example, the purpose of my relationship with my BFF is to be the absolute best friend I can be. I need to be supportive, encouraging, loving, a good listener, available, and so forth. So every thing I do in that relationship should be in accordance with those principles. If it is not, then I am not being a true friend and I am not serving the purpose of the relationship. This concept has helped me be a better friend, daughter, sister, and Christian. I hope that all my relationships serve the most important purpose of all: to glorify Christ.

Sunday Sermon

The sermon series at the Bayou right now is Encounters, talking about different encounters people had with Jesus. Today's sermon was on the rich young ruler. He had it all: money, youth, political status, religious status, and morality. When this man was confronted with Jesus, he wanted to know what he needed to do to have eternal life. Jesus knew his heart. He knew that outwardly he was a good person but that his heart was focused on his money and not on God. Jesus told the man to give away everything and follow Him. The man turned away from Jesus and kept his money and power as his number one.

The sermon reminded me that at times we have to lose the things we love the most if they take the place of Jesus in our lives. Though it has been very painful, I am glad that I had to lose what I loved the most to know that Jesus must be what I love most. It also comforts me to know that I can never lose Jesus.

Getting what you need...not what you want

I'm sure I'm not the only one; but when I was younger I used to try and imagine what my life would look like when I was older. I am approaching my 27th birthday and I must say my life has not turned out like I wanted it to. I thought I would be married with kids and have a successful career. It was like most dreams I assume. This weekend God has really shown me that I have everything I NEED not want and in the end it doesn't really matter what I want.

I wanted to be married but I need Jesus who loves me more than anyone else and died to show me that love. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will never disrespect me or treat me poorly. He has my heart because He will protect it.

I wanted a successful career but true success is not measured in what you do but who you are. Am I a person who loves and gives completely to others? Do I put others before myself and serve where God wants me. Have I completely and utterly surrendered everything to Christ? I need to be successful in the eyes of Jesus not the world.

So I may not be where I wanted to be but I am so better off than I could have ever imagined.
I have an amazing church family and friends. I have a ministry to serve that will push me outside of every comfort zone I have. I have a relationship with the Creator of the universe. So, I say bring on being 27 to love more, give more, serve more, and experience life more. After all, I am single, independent, and unrestricted.

Do You Really Love Him?

I was reading my daily devotion from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and this passage just moved me so much I thought I should share it.

To be surrendered to God is of more value than our personal holiness. Concern over our personal holiness causes us to focus our eyes on ourselves, and we become overly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look,out of fear of offending God. "...but perfect love casts out fear..."once we are surrendered to God (1John 4:18). We should quit asking ourselves, "Am I of use?" and accept the truth that we really are not of much use to Him. The issue is never of being of use,but of being of value to God Himself. Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time.

Letting go

This post might be long so bear with me...
Six months ago, I started a hard journey. I had to let go of something that I loved very much. I did not want to let it go but circumstances would not allow me to keep it. However, I never truly let it go. I kept holding onto it and keeping it near me. I tried letting go but I never could. You could say I had my very first broken heart. I was mourning this thing I needed to let go of. The thing was certain relationships that I had worked to build for almost two years. Though I desperately wanted to keep relationships and continue to build them, I had to end them. It was the hardest and saddest time of my life. I have had hardships and disappointments in life; but nothing compared to this. All of my focus and energy was in mourning these lost relationships. During this time of brokenness in my life, Jesus reached down and showed me that I was being selfish. Instead of looking for other relationships to build and serve, I was consumed with the ones I lost. During a Wednesday night service at my church, the pastor called for a prayer of repentance before the Lord's supper. It was during this time that God showed me who He wanted me to invest in and serve. I have started a Small group with the women He showed me. We are going through a Bible study entitled Seeking Him. It is about personal revival in your life. This week is about honesty. In order to have fellowship with God and others, you have to be honest about your self and your sin. Last night, the pastor talked repentance. I know I need to be honest with myself and God about my disobedience of not letting go and holding on to what was never really mine in the first place. I know I need to realize and confess my sin and change. Without change, repentance never truly takes place. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is telling me to let go. Let go of the pain, let go of the what could have been, let go of the relationships I lost and truly embrace the ones in my life now. I know it won't be easy. I have to fight the tendency to be mechanical in my relationships and the ministry God has allowed me to be a part of. It is very easy for me to go through the motions with no feeling or passion for what I am doing. What is worse is that most people never realize that I'm just going through the motions. They think I'm some great servant who just loves to minister to others. While I love serving people, I can get lost in the service and forget why I am serving in the first place. So by God's grace and mercy, I am starting a new journey. The journey of letting go of what I want and embracing what God wants.

Music Junkie

Hi. My name is Joslynn and I am addicted to music. While talking to my cousin over Christmas about my need for a bigger iPod (cause my nano is full), I discovered I am a music junkie. She asked me why I needed more music and I replied that I just did because I was addicted to music. Seriously, going into iTunes and browsing through music and making that glorious purchase is my drug of choice. There is a certain joy I feel getting new music or listening to an old album/song that I have not heard in a long time. I spend more of my life listening to music than anything else. Even when I am sleeping there is music playing. I would rather listen to music than watch TV. The only place I do not listen to music is work and then I usually try and fit it in there. At HBCS, there was always music playing in my classroom. My new favorite website is Pandora because I get to listen to new artist and feed my obsession. Most of my friends know of my addiction because whenever we have a conversation, I always have a song to relate to the topic no matter what it is. Most of my friends ask who the artist is playing and I usually know the answer. It is kinda sad at times. But I must say this, if I'm going to be addicted to something it might as well be as diverse and fun as music.

LC here I come...again

OK. I know I previously posted that I would be attending ULL . However, God has revealed my sin to me(just joking) . I recently took a trip to good ol' Pineville to get my ACT scores to enter ULL. While I was there, I visited with people and decided to compare programs. So, I went to the Education Department and spoke with the advisor for their Alternative Certification Program. I was very impressed and decided that their program would be better suited for my needs (and I just overall prefer LC). So this summer I will take some intensive course work and bask in the glory that is my beloved Alma Mater.

Knee Injury

As previously posted, I had a knee injury over the summer. Here are some pics: My knee with 4 stitches.

I took my stitches out myself.

This is now the pretty scar I have.

I never thought I would say this, but...

I will be attending ULL . I will enroll in their Alternative Certification Program for Teachers. I will, however, attempt to wear a LC shirt for every class. Keep myself rooted and remind myself that I am a WILDCAT first and forever. Go Orange and Blue

Camp Highlights

I am almost totally recovered from the 2 camps I attended this summer.

360 Camp
-The bus ride is always awesome. I walked up and down the aisle talking to people and handing out food
-SOTO was as beautiful as I remembered it. I love the mountains even if they are small!
-Our small group consisted of guys and girls so that provided an interesting dynamic. My co-leaders were Lisa Dupree and Ian Brou. We made an awesome team! I love getting to know the students and see them open up as the week progresses. It brings such joy to my heart.
-Late nights were great. I failed on the leader challenge because I cannot bowl to save my life (or win the challenge...there is always next year) Our Tacky Prom was the best. It was so much better than my Senior Prom. I loved all of the crazy outfits everyone had. For me, it was a relief to not care about what we were wearing and just had fun looking silly and being crazy. That is what camp is all about.
-I got a closer look at grace while at camp; all the love and help given to me really humbled me and I truly felt the compassion from everyone.
-While at camp, I jumped off a rock and hit another rock with my knee. It was gashed open so I had to go to the ER and get stitches. I also could not put pressure on it so I had to get help to walk and other fun stuff. Everyone was willing and ready to help which I appreciated so much. (I finally took my stitches out.)
-Chris Brooks ROCKS! 'nuf said.
-The band was awesome this year.
Basically, camp was amazing.

Super Summer
-Afshin Zeafat was cool. His testimony was so inspiring. He is a converted Muslim.
-Rec was good, but I could not participate because of my knee. However, seeing everyone get all colored up and shouting cheers while running around was cool.
-I enjoyed the teaching sessions and family group times.
-My family group got a slow start but by the end if the week, we were all pretty close
-My partner was interesting.
-I was grateful to have people there who could help me with my knee situation; I say that because some tried to help and failed by dropping me and causing further injury, but it was all good.
-Overall, Super Summer was a great experience and I would love to return.

HBCS

The HBCS chapter of my life is now over. I started working at HBCS last August. I was quite nervous being a PE teacher. I felt very inadequate and overwhelmed in the beginning. As I got to know my students and the atmosphere of the school, I became more comfortable. I grew to love all of my students (even the ones that were horrible at times) and the staff here. Though the atmosphere was not quite like EBBC (no place will be), it was very encouraging and reassuring. I learned so much about myself and what my abilities are not. Only by the grace and strength of Christ did I manage to survive this year. My time here was not bad but it challenged me in every aspect of my life. I have to admit that I am very sad to leave but I do not regret my decision to step down and give someone else my job; especially because I know this person is much more capable and knowledgeable regarding this subject. The path before me is unknown because I do not have another job lined up. This much I know; God is faithful and He will honor my sacrifice and provide. My prayer is to find something where my passions and desires match my gifts and abilities. It was fun being an HBCS Bear. Now I'm off to my next destination in this journey I call life.

My second "25th" birthday

Ok. So I actually just turned 26 on March 16, 2008. I dreaded this day for a week leading up to my actual birthday. For some reason, I just didn't want to be another year older. I told everyone not to make a big deal and treat it like it was just another ordinary day. Well, they didn't listen. And I'm quite grateful because it turned out to be an awesome day(weekend). On Friday night, Toyia and Robert came to my house to eat pizza and watch "Camp Nowhere". Great movie. Saturday was Girls Night Out with Michelle, Amy, and Toyia. We went to Pimon Thai then to Maggie Moos for ice cream. We met up with a friend, Brian (who was actually also at Pimon Thai-weird). We met his friends Thor and his wife (can't remember her name). Brian invited us to his house to play Rock Hero. I sang once-I can't sing. Then I proceeded to play the drums. I have a greater appreciation for drummers because it was HARD and I played the easy level. I would get the beat down but my timing seemed to be off. Oh well, it was a blast. On Sunday, my actual birthday, Lindsey, Megan, and Luke told me they were taking me out to lunch. Robert also said the he was taking my out to lunch but it wouldn't be until 1:30. So, I spent from 12:30 to 1:30 with the students and from 1:30-3:15 with some of my old anchor group-Michelle, Amy, Artie, and Robert. [BTW thanks Jason for the card. Hope life is good in Florida.] I have accepted that I'm now 26. Hopefully with my age will come a little more wisdom and a whole lot more fun. A huge thank you to EVERYONE who made my birthday special. It was only great because you were there to share it with.

Self Realization

I had one of those moments this weekend where you know something in your head but then it penetrates your heart. It was a moment of self realization about exactly who I am. People always say "Trust your heart", "Do what you feel is right", or " You're a good person". NO I'M NOT! Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is more deceitful than all else; And is desperately wicked; Who can understand it?" I have a deceitful and wicked heart. It leads me astray and causes me to do things I know are wrong. I self-destruct when people hurt me and then I leave a path of destruction behind me like a tornado. I do and say things to hurt those I love; and then I close myself off and keep people at arm's length so that I do not become vulnerable again. That is who I am. However, I take comfort in the other verse in this passage: (verse 10)"I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds." The beauty in this verse is that while I may have a wicked heart, God knows it and loves me regardless. He also knows that when I was 13 I gave my heart to Christ and He has changed me. Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."

Forgivenesss

I had a conversation last night with one of my students on forgiveness. Then, this morning on my way to school, this song came on. It reinforced everything said last night so I thought I would share it. The name is There's Only Forgiveness by John Reuben. It is very powerful and so very true.

Now it’s in my head cuz they’re one step ahead
It’s under my skin cuz it’s a little too thin
And it’s in my heart just to tear me apart
Now you’re feeding off the aggression
Misery loves company and twisted forms of affection
Meet the human heart where hostility lives
Sometimes revenge feels so good that I don’t want to forgive
And oh no thus the cycle continues
It’s an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
Til they’re all loose and you’re bitter blind and numb
You bark but can’t bite because you’re all gums
And is justice ever done are you ever satisfied
Was it about justification or about pride
Stay away from the truth it might teach you things you don’t like
My insecurity is out to prove that I’m right

(chorus)
I don’t want your apologies
I don’t want restitution
I want to hear you’re wrong but I don’t want resolutions
I want justice but I don’t care for peace
I don’t want to be bound but I don’t choose to be free
I want for you what I feel inside of me
And as soon as I know what that is I’ll share willingly

It seems like it should be simpler
But the human condition runs from wisdom
And we’re not as bright as we give ourselves credit
We repeat the same mistakes before we can regret it
I tried to let it go but it held me in place
There’s something better but I don’t like the taste
Bitterness is easier to swallow than the sting of grace
Memories can be neglected but impossible to erase
They reappear in different ways
And most of the time we’re not even sure of what it is that we hate
We just follow our feelings into an unhealthy state of being with no plans of leaving

(chorus)

If I let this go then it’s all in the past
And if I hold onto it I still have something to grasp
What would we do if we had nothing to fight about
Out of the abundance out our hearts we run our mouths
And tear each other apart and inflict pain and grief
Humanity wouldn’t know what to do if we had world peace
So you can take the sign in your front lawn down it’s a nice gesture
But mankind likes to go to our war it’s in our fallen nature
Neighbors nations corporations races insecurity and hurt works well with retaliation
But don’t worry it will be your turn soon
So plot your revenge as you clean your knife wound
And 'I forgive you' is not an option
It’s too uncomfortable
It’s much easier to be miserable than vulnerable
You can save that for the weak and the religious
But there is no justice or no peace, there’s only forgiveness

Movie Quote

I was watching the movie Extreme Days with my classes and was reminded of what I think is one of the funniest movie quotes:

Jessie "I need $2,000, a new engine, or a miracle."
Brian "Maybe I'm your miracle."
Jessie rolls eyes and walks away.

Just a rant

Sometimes I hate being an adult. I hate being responsible, level-headed, clear thinking, and objective. I hate being a parent to my parent. I hate being dependable. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "IT'S NOT FAIR!" But, was it fair for Job to lose all of his family, possessions, and health. Was it fair that Jesus had to die for my failures and sins. Life is not fair. Or is it? I want to run away but there is no where to run. I just need a hug but there is no one to hug. I just want to cry but I have no more tears. I am afraid that I am slowly becoming...

numb.

The Flame in All of Us

Thousand Foot Krutch came out with a new CD titled The Flame in All of Us. It is GREAT! There is one verse in the song "Favorite Disease" that goes..."sometimes I feel like a monster" that pierced my heart because of how true it is in my life. With my thoughts, words and actions I feel like I'm this monster that wrecks destruction and fear wherever I go. However, the song "My Own Enemy" was written just for me. This truly could be my new theme song. Here are the lyrics:

(Intro Scat: Hold up, oh no, who let them in the door,It’s like a freak show, shake it a like a photo)
Hate, is only what you say, not what you mean,
And Pain, is what’s inside of me, not when you’re bleeding,
I will fall, I’ll fall, and take your breathe away,
We, could change it all, and take your breathe away
This anger changes me, it effects the way I see,
Effects every part of me, and makes you my enemy
But when it falls apart, it’s like a brand new start,
And I can’t remember why, I ripped everything apart
I’m still my worst enemy,
The world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I’m still my worst enemy,
No matter where I am, I’ll still get the best of me,
I’m my own enemy
Shake, the world inside of me, until it can’t be shaken,
Wake, the words inside of me, before it’s all too late..
(’cause)I will fall, I’ll fall, and take your breathe away,
We will change, it all, and take your breathe away
This anger changes me, it effects the way I see,
Effects every part of me, and makes you my enemy
But when it falls apart, it’s like a brand new start,
And I can’t remember why, I ripped everything apart
I’m still my worst enemy,
The world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I’m still my worst enemy,
No matter where I am, I’ll still get the best of me,
I’m my own enemy (x2)
My own enemy, ……my own enemy

Seeking

I went to a retreat this past weekend in Baton Rouge. It was good. My mentor, Charity, was a speaker. The theme was A Heart for God focusing on revival. They talked about brokenness, holiness, and purity. I then went to Mobile, AL to spend time with Charity and her family. I went to their church on Sunday and was moved by the message. He spoke on seeking. His text was Jer. 29:13. His points were:
Seek God's face
Seek God's favor
Seek God's fellowship
Seek God's faithfulness
I actually cried because I was so convicted of how often I do not actually seek the Lord, instead I just dump my problems onto Him and never consider what He might have for me or why I am going through this. I am so unworthy of His grace and mercy. Thank you for the cross.

Highlights from 360 Camp

These are the funny moments from camp this week:
Justin running into a trash can full of water and dumping it over
Tim tipping over canoes on the Buffalo River during our float trip
Morgan blowing in Ian's ear then Ian sitting on him
Luke sitting on Ian's lap
me picking Buddy's nose
all the adults in their 70's costumes (esp Tim)
the students who actually dressed up
Paul and Suzi stuffing marshmallows in their mouths and trying to say "Chubby Bunny"
Paul and Cheryl with pantyhose on their heads (Paul was named the Ultimate Youth Worker)
playing musical chairs and getting sat on
watching everyone play the 'Price is Right'
CHRIS BROOKS