Helpless

Every day I go and visit my grandmother in the hospital. Because of the stroke, she is unable to speak. She was the one family member I could just talk to. Almost every morning we would have coffee and just visit. Now, as she is just lying there in that bed, I just want to talk to her. I feel so helpless in this situation. There is nothing I can do to help her. Though I pray multiple times in the day, I still want to physically do something. I figure it is my fallen nature that tells me that in order to "deal" with this I have to "do" something about it. The truth is there is absolutely nothing I can do. The ironic part is all of my friends and church family, who have been so loving and supportive, also want to do something to help me through this. The only thing is that what I need is not something just anyone can do. Because all I really need is just to be held.

Overly concerned

Last Thursday started out as a normal day for me. I took a shower then spent some time in the Word and prayer. Then, I went over to my grandparents' house (which is only a couple of feet from where I live) to have coffee and spend time with them. When I walked through the back door, I saw my grandmother lying on the floor. I immediately went to her to help her. She was conscious but not responsive. She is a diabetic so I thought her blood sugar was low. I went to my grandfather's room (he was still sleeping) and told him about my grandmother. We got her up and took her to her bedroom. He went and got some sugar to give her and I tested her blood. It was 127 which is good so I knew it was not a blood sugar problem. I called her daughters (my mom and aunt) and told them to come to her house immediately. I thought she was having a stroke so I dialed 911. My mom and aunt tried to talk to her but still no response. The emergency team got there and started working. I had to answer lots of questions (mostly the same questions to different people). They got her in the ambulance and took her to the hospital. My grandfather went in the ambulance with her while my mom, aunt, and I followed. Once she got to the hospital they did tests. She did have a stroke that caused a blood vessel to burst resulting in bleeding on the left side of her brain which caused her right side to be paralyzed. She was transferred to Lafayette General to see the neuro-surgeon. He did not operate considering the location of the hemorrhage. She is still in ICU and is slightly improving. I'll update as I know. For those of you who read this please pray for healing for her and comfort for my family. Thanks

Amazed

I was reading in John 17 this morning and this verse just struck me: verse 20 I pray for those who will believe in me (Joslynn's translation). Wow, Jesus was about to be arrested, beaten, mocked, and killed. But, in the midst of all that He prayed for me. It is a humbling thought to know that Jesus was not focused on Himself during this time but all of His followers and friends. What a great example of how we should pray and live our lives.

Great Expectations

I am always amazed at how much God knows me and knows what I need even when I don't know what I need. I recently became a youth intern at my church East Bayou. Now, I am ridiculously scared out of my mind because I know I am going to screw up royally-I always do, its my trade mark. But, I am also really excited because of the awesome people I get to help me clean up the mess I made. I sat in awe in our meeting today at how connected we all were yet our team is relatively new. Court is the incredible support person who is going to always listen to my rants (and there will be many, just ask my anchor group) and gently rebuke me but it won't even seem like a rebuke. Then there is Chris, who will tell everything that went wrong, how it should have gone, and how to fix it. (Every team needs one of these people) And then there is the go to, has all the info, cry on my shoulder person-that would be Justin. And then there me. The one who has all this knowledge yet knows nothing cause she's too stubborn and head strong. And the glue to our team is our fearless leader, Lyndale. He's the whole package-a visionary with the skills and drive to lead and get the job done. He is the essential leader who empowers others and teaches them to be great leaders.
Now, to what I first said. God put me in the midst of these amazing people to teach me and stretch me in incredible ways. I have already learned so much and I just started. I am really excited about the refining process that will take place over the course of this year. And the icing on the cake is the staff. They are so fun. I was around them this morning in the room known as "Sin City" where all kinds of goodies are awaiting our consumption. They were goofing off and laughing and just having a great time. Also, everyday I am gaining a better appreciation and love for my pastor. I am really enjoy him and I am excited about getting to know him better. This promises to be a challenging but great year!

Big Decision

I have made a big decision in my life. I have decided to continue my education by pursuing a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Counseling. This decision has taken two years and some very interesting turns in my life to be made. Now, the only question is where do I go for this degree. If any one has any suggestions, please let me know. Also, if there is a place that I should avoid like the plague, let me that too.

Do I see what you see (revised)

Recently, a family member of mine called me selfish, inconsiderate, brat, and undependable. Now, I admit that I probably have been and can be all of these things at times, after all I have a sin nature. However, in order to help out this family member, I worked an eight hour day (missed my first day in my "office"), drove three hours, slept four hours then drove another three hours with her offspring so I could take care of the offspring for her. Now, I'm trying really hard not to sound like I'm complaining cause I don't want to complain. I just don't understand. I know I should not care what she says or let it affect me. On one hand people tell me that I am kind and loving. But then she tells me that I am not kind or considerate but that I let everyone down because I refuse to help them out. And they wonder why I question myself. Well, here's why! The person who should know me best says these things about me. Its no wonder I'm confused and hard on myself. Don't misunderstand this to be putting her down, that is not my intention. She had every right to call me those things because she believes them to be true because I chose a commitment over her need. So, my thought is this: do I believe the person who tells me I have a good heart and care about people or do I believe a family member who tells me I have my priorities messed up and I am selfish? For those of you who know me, please clue me in.

Thought for the day

John 14:15
"If you love Me, you will keep my commandments."
Love equals obedience. If I love someone, I will do what he/she asks of me. If I love God I will do what He tells me. Yet, so many times I do not do what He tells me. Why is this simple truth so hard to grasp and use in practical life?

Personal Revival Day 4

This day really hit me because it is so true of me so many times. Here is what the authors say: "God wants us to love Him first and foremost. When we find ourselves trusting in people instead of the Lord, this indicates that our heart's focus has shifted from Him (Jer 17:5). Love for people- friends, family members, or even ourselves-can compete with our love for Him (Matt 10:37). Other substitutes for a God-centered love relationship may include money, pleasure, friends, work, ritual in worship, the teaching of respected leaders, or Bible knowledge without a relationship with Christ. Revival does not begin when a struggling, wayward person decides to return to the Lord but rather when the loving heavenly Father, wanting His people to enjoy the safety and security of His love, calls him or her back to Himself. God is the initiator; the call to revival ia a plea of love from the heart of God."
Have you transferred your love for God to some other place? What are some things that may compete with your love for Him?

Personal Revival Day 3

Parents who really love their children will discipline them if needed. God loves us so much more than parents can so He must also discipline us. Hosea 11 & 14 describe the process Israel had to endure in order to return to God. In my own life, God had to (and is continuing to do) discipline me and strip me down until there is nothing left of me. Then He comes and fills me with Himself. I have to admit that it is painful and hard but it is good at the same time. Does God need to bring you through the refining process in order to reveal Himself more through you?

Personal Revival Day 2

For those who are familiar with clay, you know it is very hard to till, especially here in Louisiana. Our hearts can become like hard ground, where nothing affects us anymore. Hosea warned us that we must break our hard hearts and return to God. (Hosea 10:12-13) So the question is "What do you think it means to break up your fallow ground?"

Personal Revival day 1

I used to think that I was a good person. Then I read this book/study. I never thought I needed revival because I knew alot about the Bible, Jesus, and faith. Wow! After reading and studying, I got a major wake-up call. I realized how wicked my heart truly is. This passage really showed me that I do need revival in my life and not just when a crusade comes but everyday I wake up.

Will you not revive us again,

that your people may rejoice in You?

Show us Your steadfast love, O Lord,

and grant us your salvation.

Let me hear what God the Lord will speak,

for HE will speak peace to His people, to His saints,

but let them not turn back to folly.

Surely His salvation is near to those who fear Him,

that glory may dwell in our land. (Psalm 85:6-9)

So the question is who needs revival?

Seeking Him

My Anchor (Bible Study) group decided we would study a book entitled Seeking Him by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Tim Grissom. I thought this would be a great blog opprtunity. So, everyday I will share my personal thoughts on the study and post a question I hope everyone who reads these blogs will answer (especially former group members...hint, hint, hint). Therefore, I humbly ask if you by chance read these blogs, please enlightenen me with your wisdom and knowledge concerning the questions by commenting on them.

Oh the lies...

A friend told me that I had trouble believing lies. I had no idea how right he was until I read Lies Women Believe. This book is packed full of wisdom and truth. Here are some of the major points that really impacted me:
"The Truth is God is far more interested in our holiness than our immediate, temporal happiness...
True joy is not the absence of pain but the sanctifying, sustaining presence of the Lord Jesus in the midst of pain.
if we are not content within our present circumstances, we are not likely to be happy in any other set of circumstances
our circumstances do not makes us what we are. They merely reveal what we are.
Long before you were born, every molecule of your body and every day of your life from conception to the grave was carefully thought through and planned by God
We don't have to let our feelings run our lives
The primary purpose of marriage is not to be happy but to glorify God and reflect His redeeming covenant love
contentment is not found in having everything we think we want but in choosing to be satisfied with what God has already provided
That independent self-sufficient spirit is an expression of pride
The way to see the Truth about sin is to see it in the light of who God is
We must learn to accept those longings, surrender them to God, and look to Him to meet the deepest needs of our hearts
the deepest longings of our hearts cannot be filled by any created person or thing
the outward appearance of the Christian woman is to reflect a heart that is simple, pure, and well-ordered
What is condemned...Tending to physical matters while neglecting matters of the heart
we do not hate ourselves, nor do we need to learn to love ourselves. We need to learn to deny ourselves... We do not have low self-esteem rather a low view of God
Some of us have lived all our lives in an emotional prison because we have accepted what a false "broken"mirror said to us about ourselves
do we truly believe God is enough or are we looking to other things and people to fill the empty places of our hearts
we trust what we feel to be true rather than what we know to be true
beliefs produce behavior
what we read or hear may sound right, may feel right, may seem right-but if it is contrary to the Word of God, it is not right"

This book was like a slap in the face. I needed to hear it but it was painful. I realized so many lies I believed and that I knew the truth, I just chose to believe the lie. I encourage all women to read this book. It is so good and deep. I know God really opened my eyes and my heart and I'll never be the same. My entire thought process about my emotions, self-image, and views of marriage are radically changed.

Sin

In my quest to be a godly woman, I am reading a book titled Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Here is a cool list I thought I'd share
"-Sin steals joy (Psalm 51:12)
-Sin removes confidence (1 John 3:19-21)
-Sin brings guilt (Psalm 51:3)
-Sin gives Satan the upper hand (2 Corinthians 2:9-11)
-Sin quenches God's Spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:19)
-Sin brings physical damage (Psalms 38:1-11; 31:10)
-Sin causes an ache in the soul (Psalm 32:3-4)
-Sin breaks God's heart (Ephesians 4:30)
-Sin opens the door to other sins (Isaiah 30:1)
-Sin breaks fellowship with God (Isaiah 59:1-2)
-Sin produces fear (Proverbs 28:1)
-Sin makes me its slave (John 8:34; Romans 6:16)

Deeply Concerned

I am deeply concerned for my family today. My grandmother is going to have tests on her brain today. Her mother had Alzheimer's disease so it runs in the family. I did not get the opportunity to know my great-grandmother because of it. Now, my grandmother is showing signs of having the disease. Lately, she cannot talk. She tries but cannot think of words or forgets as she is talking. Also, her short term memory is slightly impaired. I will tell her something and 30 minutes later she does not remember having a conversation with me. My grandmother kinda raised me. She has always been my emotional support as well as physical. I'm scared that she will slowly not recognize or my family especially not even her only great granddaughter. I question my strength and ability to cope with this situation. I want to believe that it is only grief since she lost her son 4 months ago to AIDS. All I know is today might change life for my family.

Quotes

Here are some great quotes from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers that have really impacted me over the last few days:

"He can do nothing for us if we think we are sufficient of ourselves, we have to enter into His Kingdom through the door of destitution."

"The kind of religious life we see abroad to-day is entirely different from the robust holiness of the life of Jesus Christ."

"Cut yourself off from prying personal interest in your own spiritual symptoms and consider bare-spirited the tragedy of God, and instantly the energy of God will be in you."

"Re-state to yourself what you believe, then do away with as much of it as possible, and get back to the bedrock of the Cross of Christ."

"The danger is lest no longer relying on God you ignore the lifting up of your eyes to Him. Only when God brings you to a sudden halt, will you realize how you have been losing out. Whenever there is a leakage, remedy it immediately. Recognize that something has been coming between you and God, and get it readjusted at once. "

Bittersweet

I love it when people speak truth into my life. But then that means that I have been believing a lie. It's bittersweet.

Helpfulness

A friend recently taught me this lesson (though he doesn't know he did). While praying and crying one night I wrote these thoughts in a journal about my needing to feel helpful and when does it go too far. What do I do when my help isn't wanted? Do I stand aside or do things the way I want to? Does my instance on helping mean that I am more of a hinderance than a helper? Why do I go so far in that I will do what I want despite the thoughts and feelings of the other person? Do I even consider the feelings of others when I insist on doing things my own way? Do I give others the opportunity to be helpful or do I push them aside? So many times I just jump in and get the job done. I'm used of the "if I don't get it done then it won't get done" mentality because that has been so true in my life. I think I'm too independent and focused on self-sufficiency. I am my own destructive force. I hurt myself more than others so they can't hurt me. By not allowing others to hurt me, I in turn hurt them by keeping them at a distance. My need to keep people at arm's length leaves me lonely and left out. I have to wonder what is the motivation behind my wanting to help others. Is is genuine concern or selfish ambition? I realized that I can't fix myself and so I don't want anyone else to try and fix me. I'm coming to the realization that I am completely helpless. I'm dying a painful death.

The Last Night

Skillet just came out with their new cd Comatose. It's awesome. There is this one song that reminds me that God heals our emotional scars and hurts just like the physical. I deal with my emotional scars daily and this song really showed me that I believe lies but one lie I refuse to believe is that I'm alone. Anyone struggling with loneliness or emotional hurts should really listen to this cd. God is all over it.

You come to me with your scars on your wrist
you tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn’t want you to see me cry, I’m fine
But I know it’s a lie
Chorus:
This is the last night you’ll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I’m everywhere you want me to be
The last night you’ll spend alone
I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I’m everything You need me to be
Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don’t know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I’m so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie
Bridge:
The night is so long when everything’s wrong
If you give me a chance
I will help you hold on
tonight
tonight
I won’t let you say goodbye
And I’ll be your reason why
the last night away from me
away from me

Blasphemy

I was reading in the Gospel of John this morning, chapter 8. When I got to verse 58, Jesus tells the Pharisees (religious leaders in Jesus' day) that He is I AM. Now, to Jews this is a powerful statement. When Moses encountered the burning bush and asked God what His name was, God replied "I AM". (Exodus 3) So when Jesus said He was I AM to the Pharisees, He was claiming to be God. The Pharisees considered this blasphemy and attempted to stone Jesus. The irony is this: Jesus is God; so the Pharisees actually tried to kill the God they claimed they served. Talk about blasphemy. Which makes me wonder if I have ever been like the Pharisees and didn't recognize Jesus or one of His precious children but instead judged them. The beginning of ch 8 talks about the woman caught in adultery and how people wanted to stone her and tried to trick Jesus. But His reply was " Let he who has no sin cast the first stone". Needless to say no one could stone her. Then Jesus looked at her and told her that He did not condemn but had forgiven her and to go and sin no more. How powerful and profound. Such grace and forgiveness. I have been given the same grace and forgiveness. I am so unworthy and have no grounds on which to judge. Wow!

Running

In the movie, Forrest Gump, Forrest (played by Tom Hanks) finds himself running. He runs and he runs and he runs. Then he decides to stop, turn around, and go home. Well, I feel like Forrest. Just running and running. I have a decision to make: do I stop or keep running. I wonder how Forrest made his decion to stop?

Chicken Thief

Sunday I had a full day. Church, Adia's birthday party (my niece), knitting, and dinner at Chili's. Upon returning home that night, I decided marinate some chicken for a dinner I was cooking for friends. So, I got everything out and then went to the fridge for the chicken breasts I had in there. I reached for the chicken. But wait. Something is wrong. The chicken...is...GONE! I look and look but no chicken. Someone has stolen my chicken. I almost started to cry. But then I remembered earlier that day I also noticed my potatoes were missing. The culprit was my sister who thought her husband them for the party. So I thought sheath also taken my chicken. I got mad. I went on a search for my chicken. After an exhausting search (walking across my yard) I found my grandmother and interrogated her. Actually I just asked her if she knew anything about my chicken. As it turned out, my grandfather went to my fridge looking for something and saw the chicken. He thought they were for the gumbo being cooked. So my chicken woundup in gumbo. The mystery of my stolen chicken had been solved. And lucky for me my grandparents bought me more chicken. Yeah for grandparents!

Answers I Need

Questions I wish I knew the Answers to: (these questions came to me while I was being bored out of my mind filling in for my sister)

How can you get it so wrong when you think you've gotten it so right?

How many times can you fail before you're a failure?

Why does the thing you want the most cause you the most pain?

Why do you always want what you cannot have and yet never appreciate what you have right there in front of you?

If any one knows the answers, please inform me.

Moody

Faith is not about moods. My mood should not determine my faith and neither should feelings. I find it amazing how my head can know so much but still not affect my actions. So, lately I have been letting my stupid girl emotions and moods determine the depth (or lack there of) in my relationship with Christ. My mood has been apathy. I just don't care about things that I should have a burning passion for, like telling people about the love of Christ and His gift of salvation. Instead I go on some meaningless rant about some theological issue that has no important value to anyone I'm talking to. So, instead of sharing God's love I usually exhaust myself as well as whoever is around me. And then I get upset because of my rant. So my downward spiral continues. All of that to say I need to change my mood to one of kindness, love, and compassion. Now, if I can just figure out how to do that.

Oswald Chambers

This is an excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest that really challenged me


Faith And Experience
“The Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.”Galatians 2:20
We have to battle through our moods into absolute devotion to the Lord Jesus, to get out of the hole-and-corner business of our experience into abandoned devotion to Him. Think Who the New Testament says that Jesus Christ is, and then think of the despicable meanness of the miserable faith we have - I haven't had this and that experience! Think what faith in Jesus Christ claims - that He can present us faultless before the throne of God, unutterably pure, absolutely rectified and profoundly justified. Stand in implicit adoring faith in Him, He is made unto us "wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption." How can we talk of making a sacrifice for the Son of God! Our salvation is from hell and perdition, and then we talk about making sacrifices!
We have to get out into faith in Jesus Christ continually; not a prayer meeting Jesus Christ, nor a book Jesus Christ, but the New Testament Jesus Christ, Who is God Incarnate, and Who ought to strike us to His feet as dead. Our faith must be in the One from Whom our experience springs. Jesus Christ wants our absolute abandon of devotion to Himself. We never can experience Jesus Christ, nor ever hold Him within the compass of our own hearts, but our faith must be built in strong emphatic confidence in Him.
It is along this line that we see the rugged impatience of the Holy Ghost against unbelief. All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith. How can any one who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear! It ought to be an absolute pæan of perfectly irrepressible, triumphant belief.

Never Leave

This is a really good song by Kendall Payne that has really helped me through my darkest hour.

In the midst of my darkest hour
you see my tear-stained face
This broken form that no longer feels power
with no apparent place
But even when this world has turned
her back on me
When it's cold where it once had burned
When my thoughts are frightening

You will never leave me

When I fail at living and loving
when I fail you Lord
I want things that I know very well
I cannot afford
When I feel like I have no purpose
except to live and die
Or all they tell me is that I'm worthless
why even try

(Bridge)I cannot be sure
of my love for you
But in the midst of my doubt...
you are true

Psalm 30:5b Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning.

Obedience

A really cool lesson that I have been learning is that partial obedience is disobedience. You cannot short change God. He is an all or nothing kind of guy. I recently had a good cry in church (that hasn't happened in a very long time) because I've been so disobedient to God. I have not been giving Him all of my desires. One particular is the desire to be a wife and mother. It has consumed most of my college years and just when I thought I was done yeah I never really laid it in the altar of faith but instead let my stupid girl emotions ruin my life. Thank God for forgiveness.

Purchased

Agorazo is the Greek word for bought, purchased, redeemed. It is especially meaningful to me because it is a constant reminder that I am not my own. I have been bought with a price: the blood of Jesus. For me personally, it has a twofold meaning. First, I am a slave of Christ. So many times in our American culture we get caught up on our rights and freedoms. But if we are truly in Christ then we have no rights, we have no freedom but the freedom that we have in Christ. As a slave, we waive our rights. Secondly, (more personally) it proves the unmistakable love of God. That he loved me so much that He actually bought me with His own blood. I am reminded of the story of Gomer and Hosea where Hosea purchased Gomer (his wife) with everything he owned because she left and became a prostitute. That to me is the perfect picture of what Christ has done on the cross.